An Attempt 

It’s been a while since I’ve written out my thoughts. Jonathon has done such a great job of putting his emotions on our blog, so I’ve let him 🙂  A lot has gone on the last several months that I’m still just processing. My silence has been on purpose. We’ve had a lot of new, raw trauma – first and secondhand.

One of our sweet boys had a major surgery. We’ve seen many leave our home and campus that we weren’t prepared for. Going through our own adoption license training. All of this causes me a continuous heartache and tension. I’m a person who needs closure. I need a definitive end to something. I know that the deep meaning of foster care is just the opposite of that. There’s no closure. Kids are always in transition. There are sudden changes. Nothing is predictable. The nature even of my own cottage is to assess kids and move them. This is where I wonder exactly what God was thinking, calling me to this job and this home. I live without closure. It has, no doubt, been a journey of sanctification and trust.

Right now I think God is just keeping me here, in the thoughts of trust and sanctification. Daily I sink into the fact that I’m not in control, that I can’t really change anything, that I don’t measure up, that I can try at this job, but I don’t make a difference. I get so angry and frustrated at the things that should be simple, but for some reason they can’t be. It drives me crazy to not have the final say about my kids most days. I’m in charge, but I’m not in control. There’s a difference, and it feels as wide as an ocean.

My upbringing and ‘Good Christian’ side tell me to combat this by trusting in God and giving it to Him because it’s Him who does it all. He makes me measure up. He prompts the change. He makes the difference. He is just.

But let’s please remember that I’m a feelings person. Please. I need the feelings! But the fact is, they aren’t there. Trusting in God with my children doesn’t feel great. So I have to get a grip. Even when every part of my flesh is pulling me to control as much as I can, Jesus died so that I could be free of that temptation and desire.

Oh how easily I forget that God also knows my kids. I am more and more protective of each child the longer I am a mother. I learn how to love each one in a unique way. I love doing that. I feel like I’m made to do that. I was made to do that. I deeply value the relationship I have with each of our kiddos, but there are a plethora of people who make more important decisions or have more opinions than me when it comes to each kid’s situation. Many days being the actual foster parents feels like the least heard or valued opinion within a sea of other voices. Now, I understand that we are all working together to keep the child safe, but it just hasn’t felt that way. I feel bitterness and frustration creeping in on me.

I have to breathe. I have to tell myself that God is in control. I have to be confident that He has guided our steps to this specific job, even on days that I want to quit. He reassures me that even in the chaos, miscommunication, and factors of a broken system, God knows my kids. He can protect them better than I can. I have found a way on Earth to connect and relate to them, but He knows what their every thought is! He created them.

So I live in limbo. I live without the closure, ever attempting to trust a wise, all-knowing God with my most treasured earthly possessions. Writing is out makes it seem so simple. Getting past myself brings the complication.

Greetings from the Sampson’s

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With life being as busy as it is these days, this is the best way to spread our ‘Christmas card greetings’!

Many people have been reading our blog, but most of our posts talk about the emotional, introspective side of our life. Here are some actual happenings from this year at the Sampson Circus:

  • We took a trip to California in June to visit our best friends! We spent 2 weeks enjoying time off and touring many part of L.A.
  • Two of the boys in our home were able to visit Michigan with us! Showing them all around the Great Mitten State was memorable for all of us!
  • As y’all have read about, some of the boys we were closest to moved away this year. We still think of them often, and pray that God is keeping them safe.
  • We’ve given Phoebe Jane 65 too many baths from all the pond swimming and mud rolling she’s done!
  • We moved from our townhouse into a Thornwell owned home. No more apartment living for us, and we’re loving it!
  • I (Heidi) got to be on the Ellen Show in November! It was a great trip with 2 of my best friends!
  • Jonathon renewed his Paramedic license, and is now a certified CPR instructor. He plans to get his Paramedic license in SC soon!
  • We have started the paperwork for our “Foster-to-Adopt” license in South Carolina. We feel that we need to be ready for when God gives us a ‘go ahead’ for adopting children. In our off time we’ve been attending classes and training. It sure has kept us extra busy!
  • Our baby, Phoebe Jane, will turn 2 the end of December! She is doing such a great job helping us wrangle all these boys! She even found a friend who lives in the cottage just across the yard!
  • We’ve now had about 40 kids come through Bryan Mac since the beginning of 2015

Lots has changed over the last 12 months, but our heart and calling for foster care has not! We know that Family Teaching may not be our job forever, but taking care of kids in foster care will be! There will be many changes in 2016, seen and unseen. We are praying for God’s direction as we enter this new year! 

We wish you all a Happy Holiday! Thank you for joining us on this emotional journey of working at Thornwell. We so greatly appreciate the feedback and encouragement you, as our readers, give to us! Our lives are proof that it truly does take a village to raise a child! 

Love, the Sampson’s